alone is not a bad word.

one.

if you need a photographer for anything in the bay area reach out the adora wilson who is a goddamn wizzard.

two

i'm single. it's weird. (it's awesome).

my friends have families and husbands and partners and houses and mortgages and fancy vacations. i have a dog and am fostering these wild cat creatures and 100 percent pay rent and it feels like i'll never scrape enough money together to leave this goddamn city. weddings are weird and boring and i never get a plus one and it feels like my singledom is being rubbed in my face (on a bad day). weekends are weird bc folks are with their boo. nye is a bummer bc i'm looking for that magic kiss . i dont have that double income which i could do a lot of fucking cool shit with. those meal delivery things suck bc its just me and its like how the fuck am i gonna eat all this shit and why is every meal built for two.

three.

i'm lonely.

i broke up with a partner awhile ago for so many reasons but mostly because i had things i needed to deal with and look at that i needed to do alone.

it was/is hard and like embarrassing and revealing and life changing and i won't get into the specifics NOW, but like i will at another time, but this post is not about that.

]i have a dumb chronic illness that i hate, depression and anxiety and its a fucking bummer to be ill and alone and be like damn okay i hope instacart can get here in time and also i hope they just leave it bc there is no world i can answer the door .in being ALONE can suck because holidays and capitalism and like this culture is built upon the idea of partnering.

four.

i got really worried that i hadn't gotten a FEELING about wanting to be a mother and people kept talking about this feeling. my therapist was like i have literally never heard you talk about that. and like. looking back. i realized i hadn't. my daydreams about weddings were relegated to looks and which best friend didn't get to be a bridesmaid anymore because they'd been demoted . mostly i dreamed of having a rainbow house with a rainbow car. i dreamed about being onstage and dancing or being in a play and the lights and costumes. i dreamed about a tiny house with myself and i only ever saw myself. i only ever dreamed of myself. my dreams were full of me.

five.

the more i realize this world is not built for people like me (queer, brown, femme, single) the less i feel bummed out about how hard it can feel. most folks are not doing what i'm doing. the more i feel connected to my community the more joyful holidays, weekends, events and even my chronic illness can be. i have built a world where folks have my back, can help me meet my needs and help me feel seen. i only realized on a date with this super handsome man, who really saw me in a way i hadn't expected, said, it sounds like you have a lot of work and art you want you to make and you don't want to put a lot of energy into relationship right now. and he was right. i didn't. i have a play to write. i have videos to storyboard. i have places to travel. i have feelings to process. i have plants to grow and a garden to plant and i have to be so honest though there is room for someone(s) else, right now i dream alone.